Up to this point, I have tried about 752 million different things to lose weight, feel in control, manage my perfectionism and overcome my body shame. By the time I worked with a Health At Every Size nutritionist in 2020, I had already lost and regained the same 40 pounds several times. I was also sick & struggling with symptoms – My plans unceremoniously disrupted by my health – and I desperately wanted to be able to just live my life.
So I did an experiment: I practiced letting go of control & tried doing the opposite of what I had always done… And I was terrified.
Why does fear surface when we allow ourselves to have what we want?
- Everyone will see who we really are.
- We become comfortable in denying ourselves the privilege of certain things (because we do not trust that we are worthy of them).
- Anticipation is a huge part of our experience (Christmas comes to mind)…
All I wanted was freedom… But I needed to learn how to like myself enough to change.
What happens is we find ourselves stuffing our negativity and self hatred with ice cream or pizza until we are sick, then feeling even MORE terrible about all of it. Our spirits get crushed beneath the weight of our bodies & the stories we carry in our minds. Pause and check yourself – because everything is ACTUALLY working perfectly. My behavior was full of judgment and shame, motivating secret binges, causing physical and emotional pain, driving daily starvation followed by total exhaustion and ravenous, insatiable hunger.
Here’s the punchline:
Food is required for us to live. It can simply be nourishment.
It doesn’t have to be a moral, emotionally loaded issue, nor does it have to be empty or perilous. It can be fun and delicious and healthy and whatever else YOU want it to be. I remember being delighted when I reluctantly stepped back on the scale to find that I had lost weight! Sure, I was excited over powdered mini donuts for breakfast… But even more thrilling was waking up each day to a freedom that I didn’t even know existed.
What if you just tried to dip a toe in?
We have this magic pendulum mindset – swinging back and forth between being good or bad, on the wagon or off the wagon. We are either right or we are wrong, we are getting fat or we’re losing weight, but never are we just being where we are. It’s possible to indulge in all the positive things that we THINK we are getting from food without diving in headfirst… In fact, it’s even MORE pleasurable that way. The landscape between our black & white thinking is ripe with opportunities, and we don’t even have labels yet for all the possibilities that live there. Also, YOU become extraordinary when you show up as you really are – I’m living proof that it won’t kill you!
Point #2: Not everyone sees you as a fat person.
I hesitated to speak about this topic at all, thinking it might be insensitive to discuss my body struggles in the presence of anyone larger than me. Ultimately, the risk became less urgent than my intent to normalize our experiences. Which brings me to an important detail: Human suffering is universal – our own is not to be compared with the suffering of anyone else. I aspire to guide other women out of the darkness and shed light on a better way of life. I was isolated, deeply lonely and preoccupied about what I could or could not eat, what I did or did not eat, and finally what I weighed and what that meant about me as a person. Hear me sister, when I say that we are dimming our own brilliance by stuffing our emotions down with food.
You can do it differently.
Go enjoy the foods you love. Have dinner with people and dance, and make plans for your most remarkable future. Spend time alone + cultivate your legacy. Stop trying to control appearances and tending to everyone else’s needs. Your MOST important job on this earth is to love and nurture yourself through life, and tend to your own precious body, mind & spirit.
Seriously. Nobody can (or ever will) do it for you.
I just finished creating a new program at The Tender Root called The BARE Method Life + Mind Detox. It’s a unique swirl of my personal experiences, professional expertise and vocational love, specifically designed for women who want to make positive changes but feel overwhelmed. It’s an accessible, fun process that when practiced & repeated will grow your personal power, transform your body and result in more space for joy and actual living. The program is born from the popular BARE process created by Susan Hyatt – I was recently invited to speak on her expert panel next to other inspirational gurus from all walks of life! The discussion was filled with laughter, hot topics & profound insights into what it is to be a woman in the world today.
Note: This idea about weight loss + life gains began to develop in 2019 after reading Jenna Hollenstein’s book Eat to Love. Then I had the opportunity to experience Health At Every Size (HAES) nutrition counseling, which was incredibly helpful. Please understand that I am not an eating disorder specialist, but have deep personal experience of my own and am a healthcare professional. (There IS a difference and I can help connect you with resources if you need them.)
One Comment
Erika Donovan
Arwyn, once again you have made my day. Your encouragement is truly amazing. I will have a better morning ,day, week , month, and years to come. I cannot thank you enough for your amazing encouragement.